When we hear the word trauma, the majority of us probably still think of extreme situations like abuse, severe neglect, or major disasters. While those experiences can definitely be traumatic, they’re not the only ones that can deeply affect a child’s emotional world. The truth is that many children experience distressing or overwhelming events that don’t always look dramatic from the outside, yet these events still leave a lasting impact. They still cause their nervous systems to go into overdrive, and they wreak havoc on their mental health in the long run if they go unaddressed. Understanding how trauma works—and how children can process it safely—can help parents recognize when their child may need extra support.
Trauma Isn’t Always What We Think It Is
Contrary to popular belief, trauma does NOT always require abuse or neglect. For children, trauma can also include experiences such as:
- Bullying at school or social rejection
- Parents being separated or divorced
- Ongoing conflict or instability in the home
- Having a caregiver who struggles with substance use or untreated mental health concerns
- The death of a loved one or family member
- Witnessing violence or other frightening events
- Sudden changes like moving, school disruption, or loss of routine
- Experiencing a house fire or a serious motor vehicle accident
- Being bitten or attacked by a dog
- Having a chronic medical illness in childhood
- And the list literally goes on and on…
When they’re experienced before the age of 18, these types of stressful events are often referred to as Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs). ACEs describe stressful or overwhelming events that can affect a child’s ability to feel safe, connected, and emotionally regulated. This is especially the case when the event occurs repeatedly or when there are repeated reminders of the event, and the child does not receive adequate support. Many parents are surprised to learn that a child can be impacted by events that were never meant to be harmful.
If you notice long-term changes in your child that suggest they may have been affected by one or more of these experiences, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you did something wrong. It simply means that your child’s nervous system perceived the stressor as being too much, too fast, or too confusing to fully process at the time.
Trauma Is More About the Experience Than The Event Itself
One of the most important things to understand about adverse childhood experiences and childhood trauma is this:
Trauma is not just about what happened—it’s more so about how the child experienced what happened.
This is why two children can go through the same situation, but they can respond very differently. One may seem to bounce back quickly, while the other child ends up struggling with anxiety, mood changes, or behavioral shifts. This doesn’t mean one child is “weaker” than the other. It means children are different. Their temperament, developmental stage, support systems, and ability to make sense of difficult experiences are all unique, and this leads to unique reactions to things they perceive as stressful.
Many children don’t have the adult-level coping skills, emotional vocabulary, or perspective to adequately process traumatic experiences on their own yet. The mind and the body are intimately connected, so when something feels overwhelming and the child doesn’t know how to understand it or talk about it, the physiological effects of the experience can remain “stuck” in their body and emotions.
What Happens When Trauma Isn’t Processed?
When a child doesn’t have the opportunity to process a distressing experience, it rarely just disappears. More often, it often shows up indirectly in different ways, including:
- Increased anxiety or fears
- Emotional outbursts or irritability
- Withdrawal or sadness
- Sleep problems or nightmares
- Regression (acting younger than their age)
- Difficulty concentrating or changes in school performance
- Strong reactions to situations that seem minor
- Stomach aches, headaches, fatigue, or other vague physical complaints
These behaviors are often a child’s way of communicating distress when they don’t yet have the words or knowledge to explain what’s going on inside.
Why “Just Moving On” Doesn’t Always Work
Parents naturally want to protect their children from pain. It’s common to reassure kids with statements like:
- “You’re okay now.”
- “That’s in the past.”
- “Just try not to think about it.”
While we may mean well, this isn’t the most helpful response. Children actually need help understanding what happened; they don’t need help avoiding it. Healing comes not from reliving trauma, but from making sense of it in a safe, controlled, and supported way.
How Children Process Trauma in Therapy (A Parent-Friendly Overview)
Child therapy for trauma is gentle, structured, and paced according to the child’s readiness. Your child should never be forced to talk before they feel safe. I’ll share a bird’s-eye view of what trauma-focused therapy for children should look like.
1. Helping the Body Feel Safe Again
Before talking about difficult experiences, children first need to learn ways to calm their bodies and manage big emotions. When your child’s body feels safe, their mind can begin to process.
This may include:
- Simple breathing techniques
- Movement and play
- Predictable routines
These tools help children feel more in control and less overwhelmed when strong emotions arise.
2. Learning to Name Feelings and Understand Thoughts
Many children and teens feel intense emotions, but they don’t know how to identify or describe them. They know they feel “bad,” but they’re not sure exactly how they feel or why they feel that way. So the confusing feelings may come out through concerning or difficult to manage behavior.
In therapy, children and teens should be gently helped to:
- Identify emotions (sad, scared, angry, confused, etc.)
- Become aware of what they are thinking and telling themselves about an experience
- Learn that thoughts can make feelings feel bigger or smaller
This helps children understand that feelings are meaningful—but they’re also manageable.
3. Making Sense of the Experience Through Story
When a child or teen is ready, they are supported in telling their story in a safe, controlled, and age-appropriate way. This can happen in many ways, including talking, drawing, writing, music, or play.
The goal is not to dwell on the event, but to:
- Reduce fear and confusion
- Correct misunderstandings and self-blame (this part is especially critical to healing, healthy development, self-confidence, and independence later on)
- Break the experience into manageable pieces
- Help the child understand what happened in a way that feels less scary
Over time, the memory becomes something the child remembers rather than something they’re overwhelmed and hindered by.
Throughout this process, the child’s emotional state is closely monitored, and parents are regularly included and updated. Care is taken to ensure the child remains emotionally safe and that they’re supported at every step.
When Might a Child Benefit From Therapy?
You may want to consider professional support if your child:
- Has ongoing emotional or behavioral changes after a stressful event
- Seems “stuck” despite reassurance and time
- Avoids reminders of something distressing
- Has intense reactions that seem out of proportion to the situation at hand
- Struggles with sleep, school, or relationships
- Engages in self-harm behaviors or other unhealthy ways of coping with their distress
I can’t end this section without highlighting the fact that seeking therapy is not about “labeling your child.” This is about making sure your child has the tools and support they need while their brain and nervous system are still developing. It’s about helping them work through difficult and confusing experiences so that they don’t continue to hold your child back as they grow and develop.
The Power of Early Support
Children are incredibly resilient, especially when they are given help early. With the right support, kids can learn to:
- Feel safe and secure
- Understand their emotions
- Make sense of difficult experiences
- Build healthy coping skills that last into adulthood
Therapy makes it so that children don’t have to carry confusing or overwhelming experiences alone.
Support for Your Child—From the Comfort of Home
I provide child and adolescent therapy via secure telehealth for families located in Arizona and Washington state, and I am in-network with several major insurance companies. Telehealth allows children to receive support in a familiar, comfortable environment while parents remain involved in the healing process.
If you’re wondering whether your child’s experiences may be affecting them more than they can express, you don’t have to figure this out alone.
To explore whether this type of therapy could be helpful for your child, I invite you to reach out. As I’ve mentioned, early support can make a meaningful difference.
